Bittersweet Birthdays

Gage turns 3 tomorrow. Birthdays are always bittersweet with any children. You watch them grow and mature and leave babyhood and toddler hood behind them. You lament the baby they used to be and wonder at the child they are becoming. With Gage its different. I am so proud of all the progress he has made. At this time last year he had only 4 or 5 words, today he says over 100 (I stopped counting). But tomorrow he will be 3. Not 2, 3! It is painfully obvious next to other 3 year olds that Gage is delayed. Its obvious that he is different, very different. When he was 2 and didn't talk, ran around like a crazy man, threw tantrums, and didn't follow directions he didn't look all that different ,at first glance, from other 2 year olds. But now at 3, expectations from society are different. When we go to the store and he sits on the floor crying because he doesn't want to wear his shoes, or kicks me because he does not want to sit in the cart, or screams because he can't tell me that the lights in the store hurt his eyes, he looks like a spoiled brat and I like a bad parent who won't discipline her child. That's the hard thing about autism. He looks normal. He doesn't have a limp or a brace to wear. So, to the passer by he just looks "bad". Luckily I am developing a tough skin. I pretty much don't care what the old lady at Wal Mart thinks of my parenting. I have been lucky enough not to have anyone say something to me yet. (or maybe they are the lucky ones!!)
With autism the birthday not only brings the joy of celebrating another year of growing with your child but also the stark reality of how far there is to go. The road is exhausting. The road is slow. But I am finding when you travel the road slowly you see things you may have missed otherwise. When Gage said "mama" for the first time ( at the age of 2 1/2) it meant so much more than it would have if he said it at 10 months old. Our frustrations may be bigger but so are our joys.
Tomorrow Gage turns 3. We will have cake and ice cream. He will sing "Happy Birthday" (not very coherently but he knows the song) and he will blow out his candles. That's so much more than he was able to do at 2. What a joy.